EL SEGUNDO, CA. The Mattel Corporation released their top secret male doll line today, retiring the venerable Ken doll and replacing him with two new dolls, DonDon and BarBar.
Each doll comes with special accessories. “DonDon comes with his own twitter account, extra fingers designed for laying blame, and tiny gloves.” The dolls also come with personalized birth certificates, though BarBar’s wasn’t able to be located in time for this review.
The announcement of the new line was overshadowed by a leaked email thread capturing company executives ridiculing a Mike Pence themed doll. “It doesn’t even bend.” said one executive. Mike Pence is well know for his rigid stance. At a recent cabinet meeting love-in, Pence was toppled but maintained his stance even with his face buried in floral arrangement. “Not a hair out of place.” said an admiring Steve Bannon.
WASHINGTON DC. The U.S. Supreme Court today ruled 8-0 that the “disparagement clause” of federal trademark law violates the free speech clause of the First Amendment. The case involved an all-asian Oregon-based rock band, The Slants. Experts view the decision as a victory for other potentially offensive trademarks, including names like ‘The Redskins’ and ‘Trump’.
In other legal news, the court agreed to hear a case on whether political gerrymandering – dividing up election districts to intentionally bias outcomes – is legal. The case involves an unusual congressional district set up by North Carolina that includes the cities of New York, Boston, Chicago, Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. Another North Carolina law making it mandatory to smoke and discharge firearms in transgender bathrooms is also working its way to the top court. “What?” commented the legislature’s press office.
“Setting aside the internment of Japanese citizen’s during WWII, asians have missed out on the true American immigrant experience of ostracism and racial stereotyping.” commented FoxNews. “It’s a gay day for all Americans.”
SEATTLE, WA. Online giant Amazon announced today the acquisition of the supermarket chain Whole Foods, the nation of Sweden, and a black hole. “We plan to store the black hole near Walmart headquarters until we can figure out what to do with it.” said a company spokesperson.
While the acquisition of the 431 Whole Foods stores fits strategically with Amazon’s plans, the purchase of Sweden raised investor eyebrows. The country’s stock has been sliding since Donald Trump thwarted a terrorist plot there involving millions of tiny IKEA wrenches and the soft rock band, ABBA.
The company denies charges by cynics that the acquisition of six million dependents for Jeff Bezos is just a tax dodge. “Renaming them all Sven will certainly expedite filing.” said a tax expert. “And make it easier to learn their names.” rebutted a company spokesperson.
The acquisition of a black hole is the first intergalactic deal for Amazon. Company scientists explain that the acquisition is part of an experiment to speed delivery across quantum space. “We believe we can cut six minutes off delivery to Mars.” said a company spokesperson.
Placing a hole in space that sucks in all surrounding matter and crushes it to the size of a grain of sand in Bentonville, Walmart’s headquarters, was legalized recently by an Executive Order. “Amazon stock options granted to the Trump family are merely coincidence.” said KellyAnne Conway.
HAMDEN, CT. The nation’s clowns have banded together to dispute a recent Quinnipiac University poll showing that the first word that comes to mind when voters hear the words Donald Trump is ‘Idiot’.
9. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Donald Trump? (Numbers are not percentages. Figures show the number of times each response was given. This table only reports words that were mentioned at least five times.)
“Just look at the man, literally. Look at his actions. They say one word, ‘Clown’.” said Chuckles P., the group’s spokesperson.
Clowns have had a tough run recently. Experts trace their current slump to poor partnership choices, starting with an endorsement deal with John Wayne Gacey. “Who knew?” said Chuckles. The downturn accelerated with the recent closure of the Barnum and Bailey Circus, driving unemployment among clowns to a record high. “Guys are selling their tiny cars on eBay. It’s tragic.”
“When Trump got elected, we saw in him a chance for our redemption.” said Chuckles. “But instead, the idiots are crowding our space.” Clowns are not the only group demanding new polls. “How is it possible that ‘buffoon’ only got seven votes.” said a spokesperson for sidelined Uber CEO, Travis Kalanick.
Many suspect that voter fraud is to cause for the unexpected rise of idiots in the polling, but Donald Trump argues simply that once again, the polls have it wrong. “According to this Fake Poll, Dictator only got six votes.” tweeted Trump, “Just wait.”