PALO ALTO, CA. Tesla Motors today announced that they have repurposed their driverless car technology, using it instead to power a driverless Congress. “All the things that made the software concerning for driving, stuff like getting stuck endlessly at four way stops, and driving headlong into turning trucks, well, it’s perfect for the way Congress operates.” said a company spokesperson.
The software has been secretly tested for the last year at the UN, where it worked flawlessly. “The UN was the perfect BETA test, because so little is actually at stake.” continued the spokesperson. The company denies charges that the software caused a small war on the African sub-continent, explaining that a diplomat hit the accelerator after switching to manual override, triggering the border incursion. “Who really cares, anyway?” said the spokesperson.
Initial concerns voiced by members of Congress over potential job loss have been resolved in v2.0 of the software. The system has been retooled so that actual people will be needed to push buttons to cast votes, stand around looking important, and to bloviate. “When it comes to mindless, empty speech-making, well, artificial intelligence just isn’t there yet.” said the spokesperson.
The company did announce, though, that their new anti-logic algorithm is faring well in testing. “Since the election, we’ve proven that people can be automated to support policies that hurt their health, welfare, and economic security.” said the spokesperson. “If we can train the system to lie, the presidency is within reach.”
NEW YORK, NY. The Sunday edition of the NY Times featured a list of all of Donald Trump’s lies since taking office, causing environmentalists to protest the loss of millions of acres of virgin forest. “Did they really have to publish them all?” bemoaned a noted environmentalist.
A deeper analysis of the pattern of lies paints a subtler picture, though, the story of a man learning and growing in office, beginning to lie with the maturity, honesty and discipline expected of a president. “During May and June, two entire weeks contain no lies.” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
“President’s lie, no news here.” said a noted historian. “Franklin Piece forestalled the start of the Civil War for years by telling voters in northern states that slavery had been abolished, and that former slaves had been given concession rights at a series of newly constructed theme parks and U-Stor-It complexes.” Pierce’s genius lay in accompanying the lie with a set of compelling illustrations, adding visual proof that swayed skeptical abolitionists.
The New York Times
WASHINGTON DC. The Senate unveiled their Trumpcare bill today, improving on the House bill by leveling the playing field between the healthy and unhealthy. “We’ve been thinking about healthcare all wrong, debating who should pay and who is covered.” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Instead, our bill is designed level the playing field by making everyone sick and ensuring that no one can afford care.”
While the bill strips benefits from millions of children, poor people, and the elderly, it guarantees them clean air and water, while shipping polluted air and water to the healthy. “To make this work, we need more pollution, so we’ve asked the EPA to strip down environment protections, ensuring ample supply.” said McConnell.
To ensure that no one can cheat the system by affording care, billions will be shifted from federal safety net programs to the wealthiest Americans, and markets will be organized to drive up premiums for most Americans. “The rich will need the extra money to purify their water and air, since they are likely to be healthy.” said McConnell. “No nanny state here!”
The fairness of the scheme caught Democrats by surprise. “We’re all about equality.” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “And partying!” Pelosi was referring to the Democratic Party’s decision to rename themselves the Republican Party Animals. “A return to an America where most everyone is sick and treated poorly by the rich and powerful is a return to our roots as a nation, united, under God, wheezing as one.” said Pelosi.
WASHINGTON DC. Stung by another loss and searching for a message that resonates with voters besides “We’re Not Trump,” the Democratic Party announced today that it has changed its name to the Republican Party Animals. “You want stupid, we got stupid!” exuded Democratic Party Chair Tom Perez, announcing the new party’s new slogan.
Republicans were quick to denounce the move. “They think they’re stupid?” said former RNC former chair Reince Priebus. “We deny science, cling to debunked economic theories, and wear silly hats. Bring it on, Jack.”
Political experts call the move shrewd. “On most ballots the full name won’t fit, so voters will be confronted with two Republican Party choices.” said an expert. “In the worst case, they’ll win half the ballots, and in the best, where it does fit, I mean, who doesn’t want to vote for party animals?”
How the name change resonates with the party faithful remains to be tested. Meanwhile, the party is yet to confront the dustbowl-like migration of millions of disenchanted Demies to California, attracted by the state’s offer of forty acres and a pinata. “There’s a line of Volvos and Priuses stretching as far as the eye can see.” said Nancy Pelosi.