MOUNTAINVIEW, CA. In a milestone for human history, SETI, an organization dedicated to the search for intelligent life in the universe, announced today their first interaction with an extraterrestrial life force. “The being said, ‘Stop with all the tweets already.'”
Donald Trump immediately took credit for the historic encounter. “Those schmucks from NASA spent trillions and tried for years. Trump, he tries, and now you can’t shut ’em up. Must be chicks. Green. Probably hot.” tweeted Trump, apparently heedless of the irony.
In further support of SETI’s claim, a surprised Twitter customer service agent is said to have taken a call from an alien, who requested help with their unsubscribe link. The alien stuck around for the short survey after the call. “They complained about the agent’s accent.” said a management spokesperson.
After the discovery of an earth-like system of planets last year momentarily distracted attention from the president, the Trump administration sent KellyAnn Conway on a search there for fraudulent voters. No alien life was observed, but Conway did rescue a busload of grandmothers who got lost their on the way to a slots day in Atlantic City. “You think anyone would write? Call?” said a grandma. “Not a word.”
WASHINGTON DC. The Trump administration’s Voter Fraud Commission has demanded that states turn over personal information on all voters, including social security numbers, ballots, and any revenge porn they happen to have. “We prefer the actual files, but links will do.” said Kris Kobach, the commission’s combative Vice-Chairman.
Kobach is best known for spending all of Kansas’s state budget last year searching for illegal voters. “Frankly, it wasn’t much of a budget to begin with.” said Kobach. Not a single example of fraud surfaced, though Koback did uncover evidence that Melvin Purvis has been cheating on his diet. “Twinkies, Mel. Really?” scoffed Kobach.
Mike Pence, Chairman of the Voter Fraud Commission, has not been seen in public since his botched visit to the Kennedy Space Center last week. Pence was inadvertently mistaken for a small booster rocket and strapped to a projectile. Only swift action by Pence’s crack security team prevented disaster, though Pence was ignited briefly. “He got about four off feet the ground before they wrestled him back down.” said a witness.
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY. Outraged that foreign-born immigrants now have the right to ban unwanted visits from certain friends and relatives, native-born Americans are demanding the same. “My brother-in-law eats like a horse.” said Mel Stodgens. “Just because I was born here, no reason he should be able to just stop by and clean out the fridge.”
Stodgens, and millions like him, are protesting that once again, immigrants are being given an unfair advantage thanks to the Trump administration’s travel ban. The ban restricts visits by citizens of six nations to “bona fide” relatives. “Look, I’m only asking to ban visits from a certain brother-in-law from New Jersey.” said Stodgens. “Him, and his snot-faced kids.”
A narrow version of Trump’s original amended travel ban was recently approved by the Supreme Court. “Now that the ban is in place, Americans are safe to be terrorized by locally born sociopaths.” said an administration spokesperson. The Trump administration has been determined to protect the homegrown terrorism industry from cheap imports. “Jobs, jobs, jobs.” tweeted Trump.
AMISOM Public Information
NEW YORK, NY. The College Board, administrators of the college entrance exam, the SAT, has added the option “Any of the above” to all its questions. “Whose really to say?” commented a spokesperson for the non-profit organization.
Each year, millions of high school students sweat over the SAT’s, a good score on which is a requirement for acceptance to many of the country’s top colleges. In the past, experts could easily agree on which answer was right, but in the new Post-Truth Era of alternative facts and fake news, this concession seems inevitable. “We need to keep up with the times.” said the spokesperson.
In addition to “Any of the above”, the Board is adding two other options to every question, “Some of the above”, and “None of the above”. “None of the above is obviously a trick question, and we’ll be coaching our students to avoid falling into that trap.” said a test coach for an SAT prep company.
Experts trace the beginning of the Post-Truth Era to the game show Family Feud. Unlike other game shows where contestants need to get answers correct to win, Family Feud contestants have to know what other people think is the right answer to win. “Donald Trump was a huge fan.” says the shows producer.