SUMMIT BECHTEL PRESERVE, WV. In honor of Donald Trump, The Boy Scouts of America announced today the introduction of a new merit badge for bullying. The organization also announced that they have modernized their pledge. “We considered adding a badge for groping.” said an insider, “But we felt that those skills were adequately covered by the Veterinary badge”
To save money on having to reprint this year’s list, the Bullying badge will be combined with Bugling. “You’d be surprised how many people fear a good bugling.” said a veteran scout leader.
The scouts also announced a new pledge. “The current pledge is out of step with the times, with quaint references to helping others, acting morally, and so on.” said a press release. The new pledge puts the emphasis on the values enshrined by the Trump administration, such as disloyalty, intolerance, and caring about yourself first, above God and country.
In an unrelated change, the scout uniform will now feature selections from the Ivankawear Trump Youth collection. “The new gold armband emblazoned with a T will generate a level of respect and fear that have been missing from the organization for a generation.” cooed KellyAnne Conway. “Time to make the scouts great again, dontcha think.” added Conway with a wink.
WASHINGTON DC. Donald Trump today pardoned the The Joker, the animated version of a crime figure, and Vice President Mike Pence, the unanimated version of a human being. Notably, the President did not pardon Sean Spicer, who faces duping charges. “Ironic, no?” chuckled new Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Political pundits applaud the Pence pardoning. “This move demonstrates the breadth of Trump’s pardoning power, from the animated to the unanimated.” said an expert. “Further, by pardoning Pence, someone who has done nothing wrong except to try to collude by mistake with the Prussians, Trump establishes that he can pardon anyone, even himself.”
Meanwhile, former Press Secretary Sean Spicer spent the day fending off charges of duping, the reason for his surprise resignation. “I have never knowingly duped” said Spicer. Rumors of duping have plagued the Trump White House. “We use a Russian lab to test for duping.” clarified Huckabee Sanders. “Or maybe we don’t. Not sure. What lab?”
Democrats immediately denounced the move. “This is clear discrimination against the unanimated.” said a Democratic leader. “We’re particularly concerned with the needs of unanimated cross-dressing men, who have to compete with their animated counterparts for attention. Great shoes only get you so far.”
WASHINGTON DC. Doctors here treated Donald Trump today for a blame-related wrist injury. “He sprained his wrist by making a series rapid pivots between blaming Jeff Sessions for everything related to Russia, and John McCain for highlighting the importance of healthcare.” commented his physician. “Even the best sometimes overdoes it.”
“Showboat McCain a work again.” tweeted the President. “First he gets himself captured and tortured to gain attention, and now this cancer thing. It’s so unfair to me.”
Trump and his Senate allies had counted on Americans being too busy binge-watching the latest Game of Thrones season to care about losing their healthcare coverage. But when FoxNews decided to bump front page stories of female teacher sex offenders to cover McCain, Trump knew the jig was up.
Doctors released the President while mandating two weeks of rest before he can blame again. “We told him he can shift responsibility, but only if it requires minimal lifting.” said his doctor. “He can pass the buck, but only paper, no coins.”
WASHINGTON DC. An attendee at the meeting between Russians and Donald Trump Jr. last summer is likely the same person who took Anne Coulter’s seat on a Delta Airlines flight yesterday. “Given Coulter’s description that the person was smooth, shiny, and appeared to be made of wood, we believe that there may be a connection.” said a source close to the investigation. “We’re examining paint residue now.”
“I knew she was an immigrant.” said Coulter. “”And from the looks of her, a liberal.” Delta Airlines confirmed that they sold eight tickets to the woman for single seat, fueling speculation that she may be the Russian nesting doll that attended the Trump Jr’s meeting.
Coulter was outraged that a woman with no arms or legs would need an aisle seat, pregnant or not. “She would have been perfectly happy in the window, or even the center. No need for armrests.” tweeted Coulter.
“An eight-person nesting doll means fifteen people were at the meeting.” said an outraged spokesperson for the Trump organization. “We’ll be adding a surcharge to the room rental.”
The Trump Administration has been dogged by allegations of chicanery between officials and Russian dolls from the start. An armless love doll of Russian origin was found in a D.C. dumpster last winter, and the FBI has had a Russian hacker, part man, part puppet, under surveillance for months. “At first, we believed that Mike Pence might also be a doll, as he stood perfectly still for months.” said an FBI spokesperson. “But given his recent lies about the Trumpcare bill, we can only conclude that he is at least part human.”
KING OF PRUSSIA, PA. Sporting a fake mustache, Vice President Mike Pence made an ill-fated attempt to collude with the Prussians during the Trump campaign last fall. “I’m guessing he misread the Evite to the meeting.” said Donald Trump Jr. “I know he got it because he RSVP’d and said he’d bring cake.”
Working alone, Pence first tried to use his cell phone to call Prussia, but the minutes on his plan were exhausted, and he was forced use a pay phone. Finding himself with only 28 quarters, three short, the Vice President decided to drop by, landing Air Force 2 in the parking lot of the King of Prussia Mall here.
“I was at work in the food court, and this guy walks up and asks if know where he can find the king.” said an Auntie Anne’s employee. “I was like, what? Then he asked if I wanted a selfie with him. I was like, get lost, loser.”
Pence was ultimately unsuccessful at locating the Prussians. He was, however, once again mistaken for a confederate war memorial, and toppled. Pence’s ability to stand perfectly still is credited with his unprecedented record for being toppled. “This is the third time.” said Pence. “Getting a little tired of this.”
WASHINGTON DC. The Environmental Protection Agency moved today to shield Donald Trump’s children from extinction, invoking the Endangered Species Act of 1973 to ensure their survival. “The woodchuck, the squirrel, and now the Trump children share equal protection under the law.” said an emotional Tom Price, the EPA’s chief.
The move by the EPA exhausts the agency’s entire budget of $17.48. “You’d be amazed how much paper you have to use for this sort of thing.” said Price. “We had to borrow HUD’s stapler to seal the deal.”
Democrats in Congress were outraged by the move. “The borrowing of a stapler, and likely staples, from HUD will not stand.” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Collusion is this administration’s middle name.”
Under the act, Trump’s children are protected from poaching, having their breeding grounds disturbed, and trademark infringement in the northern hemisphere. “Look what happened to those cute baby seals.” said press Deputy White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabbee. “All that publicity, and not a dime.”
MOSCOW, RUSSIA. A freak cosmic event centered directly over the windmill hole at the Chaika Mini-Golf Center here is blamed for the disappearance of every Russian who has ever had contact with Donald Trump Jr. “The electro-magnetic event also deleted every shred of evidence that any of these people ever existed.” said White House spokesperson, KellyAnne Conway. Pressed for details on the identities of the missing, Conway responded, “What people?”
At the exact time of the disappearance, by coincidence, the same event deposited hundreds of boxes containing evidence of ISIS collusion with the Clintons and a left-leaning but non-political crossing guard in Boulder, CO, in the studios of Fox News during the Sean Hannity Show. “Never trusted those guys, with their little signs and smug attitudes.” said Hannity.
“Windmill holes have been treacherous in the past.” said a noted historian. “But nothing can top the Clown Mouth Hole Affair of 1878.” During match play on a miniature golf course in New Guinea, the British were forced to take a penalty stroke on the Clown Mouth hole after a mishit ball struck a servant carrying the wife of a British diplomat. Walking on their own during this period was considered immoral for British women. The servant suggested that the British player try a slightly different grip, humiliating the global power into ceding control of the colony, which led directly to the unraveling of their entire empire.