PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA. Following a significant military advance, the launch of an ICBM nearly capable of reaching the U.S., North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un admitted today that he has misplaced his list of demands, and is not altogether sure why he keeps launching missiles. “I swear it was in my grey pants.” said the rogue leader.
“After the missile launch, we were all cheering, and someone yelled, ‘And what do we want?’ and an awkward silence fell over room.” said an anonymous source. While Kim checked all his pockets for the list, his wife insisted she had seen it on the kitchen counter the night before. “He’s always losing his glasses too.” his wife said to the crowd, which, reveling in the lighthearted banter, and sure that they were about to die, fled in terror.
Experts say that the public admission and the gentle bickering are part of a new public relations effort to humanize the leader. “We want to take off a few of the rough edges.” said a p.r. executive. North Korea’s reputation took a whack recently when it was unable to round up $300 to cover a ransomware hack, and had to be put up for sale on eBay. “Fortunately, we got the ATM to work after all.” said the pr exec.
MOUNTAINVIEW, CA. In a milestone for human history, SETI, an organization dedicated to the search for intelligent life in the universe, announced today their first interaction with an extraterrestrial life force. “The being said, ‘Stop with all the tweets already.'”
Donald Trump immediately took credit for the historic encounter. “Those schmucks from NASA spent trillions and tried for years. Trump, he tries, and now you can’t shut ’em up. Must be chicks. Green. Probably hot.” tweeted Trump, apparently heedless of the irony.
In further support of SETI’s claim, a surprised Twitter customer service agent is said to have taken a call from an alien, who requested help with their unsubscribe link. The alien stuck around for the short survey after the call. “They complained about the agent’s accent.” said a management spokesperson.
After the discovery of an earth-like system of planets last year momentarily distracted attention from the president, the Trump administration sent KellyAnn Conway on a search there for fraudulent voters. No alien life was observed, but Conway did rescue a busload of grandmothers who got lost their on the way to a slots day in Atlantic City. “You think anyone would write? Call?” said a grandma. “Not a word.”
WASHINGTON DC. The Trump administration’s Voter Fraud Commission has demanded that states turn over personal information on all voters, including social security numbers, ballots, and any revenge porn they happen to have. “We prefer the actual files, but links will do.” said Kris Kobach, the commission’s combative Vice-Chairman.
Kobach is best known for spending all of Kansas’s state budget last year searching for illegal voters. “Frankly, it wasn’t much of a budget to begin with.” said Kobach. Not a single example of fraud surfaced, though Koback did uncover evidence that Melvin Purvis has been cheating on his diet. “Twinkies, Mel. Really?” scoffed Kobach.
Mike Pence, Chairman of the Voter Fraud Commission, has not been seen in public since his botched visit to the Kennedy Space Center last week. Pence was inadvertently mistaken for a small booster rocket and strapped to a projectile. Only swift action by Pence’s crack security team prevented disaster, though Pence was ignited briefly. “He got about four off feet the ground before they wrestled him back down.” said a witness.
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY. Outraged that foreign-born immigrants now have the right to ban unwanted visits from certain friends and relatives, native-born Americans are demanding the same. “My brother-in-law eats like a horse.” said Mel Stodgens. “Just because I was born here, no reason he should be able to just stop by and clean out the fridge.”
Stodgens, and millions like him, are protesting that once again, immigrants are being given an unfair advantage thanks to the Trump administration’s travel ban. The ban restricts visits by citizens of six nations to “bona fide” relatives. “Look, I’m only asking to ban visits from a certain brother-in-law from New Jersey.” said Stodgens. “Him, and his snot-faced kids.”
A narrow version of Trump’s original amended travel ban was recently approved by the Supreme Court. “Now that the ban is in place, Americans are safe to be terrorized by locally born sociopaths.” said an administration spokesperson. The Trump administration has been determined to protect the homegrown terrorism industry from cheap imports. “Jobs, jobs, jobs.” tweeted Trump.
AMISOM Public Information
NEW YORK, NY. The College Board, administrators of the college entrance exam, the SAT, has added the option “Any of the above” to all its questions. “Whose really to say?” commented a spokesperson for the non-profit organization.
Each year, millions of high school students sweat over the SAT’s, a good score on which is a requirement for acceptance to many of the country’s top colleges. In the past, experts could easily agree on which answer was right, but in the new Post-Truth Era of alternative facts and fake news, this concession seems inevitable. “We need to keep up with the times.” said the spokesperson.
In addition to “Any of the above”, the Board is adding two other options to every question, “Some of the above”, and “None of the above”. “None of the above is obviously a trick question, and we’ll be coaching our students to avoid falling into that trap.” said a test coach for an SAT prep company.
Experts trace the beginning of the Post-Truth Era to the game show Family Feud. Unlike other game shows where contestants need to get answers correct to win, Family Feud contestants have to know what other people think is the right answer to win. “Donald Trump was a huge fan.” says the shows producer.
PALO ALTO, CA. Tesla Motors today announced that they have repurposed their driverless car technology, using it instead to power a driverless Congress. “All the things that made the software concerning for driving, stuff like getting stuck endlessly at four way stops, and driving headlong into turning trucks, well, it’s perfect for the way Congress operates.” said a company spokesperson.
The software has been secretly tested for the last year at the UN, where it worked flawlessly. “The UN was the perfect BETA test, because so little is actually at stake.” continued the spokesperson. The company denies charges that the software caused a small war on the African sub-continent, explaining that a diplomat hit the accelerator after switching to manual override, triggering the border incursion. “Who really cares, anyway?” said the spokesperson.
Initial concerns voiced by members of Congress over potential job loss have been resolved in v2.0 of the software. The system has been retooled so that actual people will be needed to push buttons to cast votes, stand around looking important, and to bloviate. “When it comes to mindless, empty speech-making, well, artificial intelligence just isn’t there yet.” said the spokesperson.
The company did announce, though, that their new anti-logic algorithm is faring well in testing. “Since the election, we’ve proven that people can be automated to support policies that hurt their health, welfare, and economic security.” said the spokesperson. “If we can train the system to lie, the presidency is within reach.”
NEW YORK, NY. The Sunday edition of the NY Times featured a list of all of Donald Trump’s lies since taking office, causing environmentalists to protest the loss of millions of acres of virgin forest. “Did they really have to publish them all?” bemoaned a noted environmentalist.
A deeper analysis of the pattern of lies paints a subtler picture, though, the story of a man learning and growing in office, beginning to lie with the maturity, honesty and discipline expected of a president. “During May and June, two entire weeks contain no lies.” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
“President’s lie, no news here.” said a noted historian. “Franklin Piece forestalled the start of the Civil War for years by telling voters in northern states that slavery had been abolished, and that former slaves had been given concession rights at a series of newly constructed theme parks and U-Stor-It complexes.” Pierce’s genius lay in accompanying the lie with a set of compelling illustrations, adding visual proof that swayed skeptical abolitionists.
The New York Times