KING OF PRUSSIA, PA. Sporting a fake mustache, Vice President Mike Pence made an ill-fated attempt to collude with the Prussians during the Trump campaign last fall. “I’m guessing he misread the Evite to the meeting.” said Donald Trump Jr. “I know he got it because he RSVP’d and said he’d bring cake.”
Working alone, Pence first tried to use his cell phone to call Prussia, but the minutes on his plan were exhausted, and he was forced use a pay phone. Finding himself with only 28 quarters, three short, the Vice President decided to drop by, landing Air Force 2 in the parking lot of the King of Prussia Mall here.
“I was at work in the food court, and this guy walks up and asks if know where he can find the king.” said an Auntie Anne’s employee. “I was like, what? Then he asked if I wanted a selfie with him. I was like, get lost, loser.”
Pence was ultimately unsuccessful at locating the Prussians. He was, however, once again mistaken for a confederate war memorial, and toppled. Pence’s ability to stand perfectly still is credited with his unprecedented record for being toppled. “This is the third time.” said Pence. “Getting a little tired of this.”
MOSCOW, RUSSIA. A freak cosmic event centered directly over the windmill hole at the Chaika Mini-Golf Center here is blamed for the disappearance of every Russian who has ever had contact with Donald Trump Jr. “The electro-magnetic event also deleted every shred of evidence that any of these people ever existed.” said White House spokesperson, KellyAnne Conway. Pressed for details on the identities of the missing, Conway responded, “What people?”
At the exact time of the disappearance, by coincidence, the same event deposited hundreds of boxes containing evidence of ISIS collusion with the Clintons and a left-leaning but non-political crossing guard in Boulder, CO, in the studios of Fox News during the Sean Hannity Show. “Never trusted those guys, with their little signs and smug attitudes.” said Hannity.
“Windmill holes have been treacherous in the past.” said a noted historian. “But nothing can top the Clown Mouth Hole Affair of 1878.” During match play on a miniature golf course in New Guinea, the British were forced to take a penalty stroke on the Clown Mouth hole after a mishit ball struck a servant carrying the wife of a British diplomat. Walking on their own during this period was considered immoral for British women. The servant suggested that the British player try a slightly different grip, humiliating the global power into ceding control of the colony, which led directly to the unraveling of their entire empire.
WASHINGTON, DC. Unexpectedly strong job growth in June dashed Democratic party hopes once again, forcing the cancellation of a celebratory gala and neutralizing a cache well-crafted tweets. “The deposit on the gala is non-refundable.” said a glum-faced Chuck Schumer. “We’re taking delivery of the 3,000 sad-face cupcakes we ordered and plan to hold a bake sale fundraiser.”
In an especially tough blow, Democrats will not be able to use over thirty finely crafted, lighthearted, memorable tweets speaking to the pain of the working class. “My personal favorite was, ‘We told you that the Jackson-Vanik Amendment would be an issue requiring finesse, and you ignored us, you dick.” said Schumer, barely able to contain a giggle.
While news of tens of thousands of new jobs was a painful blow for Democrats, party pessimists are now starting to worry that an upcoming report on health in America will also show significant gains, further damaging the party’s morale. “If the administration is able to announce that people are healthier and have even lost a little weight, it’s all over for us.” said one source.
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA. Following a significant military advance, the launch of an ICBM nearly capable of reaching the U.S., North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un admitted today that he has misplaced his list of demands, and is not altogether sure why he keeps launching missiles. “I swear it was in my grey pants.” said the rogue leader.
“After the missile launch, we were all cheering, and someone yelled, ‘And what do we want?’ and an awkward silence fell over room.” said an anonymous source. While Kim checked all his pockets for the list, his wife insisted she had seen it on the kitchen counter the night before. “He’s always losing his glasses too.” his wife said to the crowd, which, reveling in the lighthearted banter, and sure that they were about to die, fled in terror.
Experts say that the public admission and the gentle bickering are part of a new public relations effort to humanize the leader. “We want to take off a few of the rough edges.” said a p.r. executive. North Korea’s reputation took a whack recently when it was unable to round up $300 to cover a ransomware hack, and had to be put up for sale on eBay. “Fortunately, we got the ATM to work after all.” said the pr exec.