WASHINGTON DC. Donald Trump today expressed his thanks to Nazis all over the country for helping to unite his fractured nation. “We owe a debt of gratitude to those knuckleheads,” chided Trump, “First WWII, now Charlottesville. I gotta say singing Heil to the Chief was nice touch.”
Trump faced withering criticism over the weekend for not thanking Nazis by name, but instead crediting hate groups and hate-hate groups alike. Insiders attribute the slight to Trump’s anger at ISIS for not ramming cars into civilians here, instead of letting London hog the limelight.
Meanwhile, White Nationalists cried foul at playing second fiddle to the Nazis. While to most outsiders the groups are the same, important philosophical, procedural, and stylistic differences separate the two. “White Nationalists tend to favor lighter colors and loose-fitting, breathable fabrics,” said Ivanka Trump, “While Nazis just go gaga over black leather and tight-fitting apparel to accent their trim physiques.”
Vice President Mike Pence, meanwhile, spoke forcefully on the issue, and had to be stopped from visiting sites of other Confederate landmarks by the Secret Service. Pence has been mistaken several times for a memorial statue himself, and been toppled each time by unruly crowds. Pence has been testing specially weighted shoes to prevent further topplings, but an unfortunate incident involving a large electromagnet set the project back indefinitely.