BURLINGAME, CA. Two-bit satirist TittleTattle was hospitalized today suffering from news poisoning. “He obviously had processed tons of toxin over the last several months, and converted them to humor,” said his doctor. “A man can only take so much.”
TittleTattle365 launched in December 2016, vowing to provide a daily refuge for those seeking respite from the daily stream of venom spewing from the White House, the media, and fervent supporters of all stripes. “He was delirious,” continued his doctor, “Kept rambling on about headlines like, ‘Polls Show Trump’s Support at 41 People,’ and ‘Nancy Reagan, Elvis to lead Administration’s War on Opioids.’ Sad.”
News of TittleTattle’s condition generated waves of sympathy from across the nation. “He’s an idiot, but even idiots don’t deserve to be poisoned by the DNC,” opined FoxNews, running the story adjacent to news of a female teacher having sex with an underage llama. “How low will the left stoop?”
Doctors expect TittleTattle to recover, but have advised a special diet consisting of reruns of Modern Family, inflight magazines, and visits online to Pinterest, but only pages devoted to needlecraft.