JOB BOOM DASHES DEMOCRAT HOPES; CONCERNS OVER HEALTH GAINS LOOM

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WASHINGTON, DC.  Unexpectedly strong job growth in June dashed Democratic party hopes once again, forcing the cancellation of a celebratory gala and neutralizing a cache well-crafted tweets.  “The deposit on the gala is non-refundable.” said a glum-faced Chuck Schumer. “We’re taking delivery of the 3,000 sad-face cupcakes we ordered and plan to hold a bake sale fundraiser.”

In an especially tough blow, Democrats will not be able to use over thirty finely crafted, lighthearted, memorable tweets speaking to the pain of the working class. “My personal favorite was, ‘We told you that the Jackson-Vanik Amendment would be an issue requiring finesse, and you ignored us, you dick.” said Schumer, barely able to contain a giggle.

While news of tens of thousands of new jobs was a painful blow for Democrats, party pessimists are now starting to worry that an upcoming report on health in America will also show significant gains, further damaging the party’s morale.  “If the administration is able to announce that people are healthier and have even lost a little weight, it’s all over for us.” said one source.

 

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