PALO ALTO, CA. Tesla Motors today announced that they have repurposed their driverless car technology, using it instead to power a driverless Congress.  “All the things that made the software concerning for driving, stuff like getting stuck endlessly at four way stops, and driving headlong into turning trucks, well, it’s perfect for the way Congress operates.” said a company spokesperson.

The software has been secretly tested for the last year at the UN, where it worked flawlessly.  “The UN was the perfect BETA test, because so little is actually at stake.” continued the spokesperson.  The company denies charges that the software caused a small war on the African sub-continent, explaining that a diplomat hit the accelerator after switching to manual override, triggering the border incursion.  “Who really cares, anyway?” said the spokesperson.

Initial concerns voiced by members of Congress over potential job loss have been resolved in v2.0 of the software.  The system has been retooled so that actual people will be needed to push buttons to cast votes, stand around looking important, and to bloviate.  “When it comes to mindless, empty speech-making, well, artificial intelligence just isn’t there yet.” said the spokesperson.

The company did announce, though, that their new anti-logic algorithm is faring well in testing.  “Since the election, we’ve proven that people can be automated to support policies that hurt their health, welfare, and economic security.” said the spokesperson. “If we can train the system to lie, the presidency is within reach.”


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