WASHINGTON DC. The Senate unveiled their Trumpcare bill today, improving on the House bill by leveling the playing field between the healthy and unhealthy. “We’ve been thinking about healthcare all wrong, debating who should pay and who is covered.” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Instead, our bill is designed level the playing field by making everyone sick and ensuring that no one can afford care.”
While the bill strips benefits from millions of children, poor people, and the elderly, it guarantees them clean air and water, while shipping polluted air and water to the healthy. “To make this work, we need more pollution, so we’ve asked the EPA to strip down environment protections, ensuring ample supply.” said McConnell.
To ensure that no one can cheat the system by affording care, billions will be shifted from federal safety net programs to the wealthiest Americans, and markets will be organized to drive up premiums for most Americans. “The rich will need the extra money to purify their water and air, since they are likely to be healthy.” said McConnell. “No nanny state here!”
The fairness of the scheme caught Democrats by surprise. “We’re all about equality.” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “And partying!” Pelosi was referring to the Democratic Party’s decision to rename themselves the Republican Party Animals. “A return to an America where most everyone is sick and treated poorly by the rich and powerful is a return to our roots as a nation, united, under God, wheezing as one.” said Pelosi.