PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA. North Korea has completed paperwork to become part of the Pacific Plate, according to UN records, allowing the rogue nation to use continental drift to threaten the U.S. “The Pacific Plate is rotating at about 3cm a year. At this rate, North Korea will bump into California in 268,223,333 years, on a Saturday.” said a State Department spokesperson.
While this forewarning would seem to give the U.S. time to prepare, security experts remain skittish. “Satellite footage shows masses of North Koreans running a few steps in the direction of the rotation, then jumping in unison, evidence that they are working to speed things up.” said an expert.
A close examination of footage shows several people running, but then taking tiny jumps, a possible attempt to sabotage the effort. “This is the most resistance we’ve seen in many years.” said a Defense Department spokesperson. “It spells trouble for their leadership.”
Kim Jong-un has ruled the hermit kingdom with an iron fist since the death of his father, Kim Jong-il. The young leader has parlayed the country’s scarce resources into a formidable collection of weaponry, including the world’s largest pinata.
“Evidence is that the pinata has not been weaponized, but we now see how it fits into the larger plan.” said the spokesperson. With California’s large Mexican population, experts believe it would be easy to slip the pinata across the border using a forged order form for a birthday party. “The planned arrival is on a Saturday, eliminating the use of an office party as a diversion.” said the spokesperson.