YPSILANTI, MI. Scientists today announced the discovery of the oldest human remains, predating previous discoveries by over 100,000 years. “They were found in a McDonalds parking lot, near a mound of Big Mac containers.” said a spokesperson. “We suspect that the containers were part of a religious ritual as it would have been much cheaper to go for the SuperSize Combo.”
Kris Kobach, head of the Trump Administration’s Voter Fraud Commission, was quick to pounce on the discovery. “The man, which we believe to be deceased, has been linked to two ballots cast in the greater Ypsilanti area. One of those ballots was cast for Hillary Clinton, and the other was a write-in for someone named Ogg.” Kobach said that he would await forensics to establish whether the man was alive at the time of the election to decide if further action is warranted.
Meanwhile, the remains are being held by immigration police on suspicion of illegal entry to the country. “The man crossed over a land bridge from Morocco sometime between the year 297,813 BC and last Tuesday, or possibly Wednesday.” said an official familiar with the investigation.
In a meeting the press outside the White House today, Donald Trump denied asking the man for his loyalty, though he was unable to explain the ‘special sauce’ stains on his lapel, or the discovery of several Von Trump Family 8-track tapes found at the scene. “I am completely vindicated by this discovery.” said Trump. “Never met the man, and when I did, I didn’t know him till later.”