WASHINGTON DC. Donald Trump today took credit for creating thousands of jobs for companies who supply investigation and charity event related goods and services. Recent economic reports show that the massive uptick in hiring by makers of red ties and heavy wood furniture was equalled by companies supplying the Eric Trump Foundation with access to golf courses and large-breasted hostesses.
“The Trump Administration has single handedly spurred this growth, cutting through the red tape of ethical norms and legal niceties that hamstrung previous Administrations.” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer. “Jobs, jobs, jobs.”
Overshadowed, but not unnoticed by economists, are the massive royalties collected in China from a trademark granted to the Trump family for the use of word “deny.” These royalties singlehandedly wiped out the trade deficit with the Chinese, who have made good on their promises at Mar-A-Lago earlier this spring. “We have trademark applications in for the words ‘denial’ and ‘denying’ as well,” said the President, forecasting more good times ahead.
On the charity front, the Trump family took special pride in setting an example for how to profit from the grievously ill. “By charging exorbitant fees for hosting events to raise money for kids with cancer, the Trump family is modeling the sort of public-private partnerships that under TrumpCare can benefit society, and, more importantly, us.” said Eric Trump.