WASHINGTON DC. Donald Trump today announced that he willed the earth to change its orbit, moving it farther from the sun, ending climate change, saving humanity, protecting the environment and countless species from extinction, and ensuring that people will still be able to golf. “If things cool down too much, I’ll just move it back a bit.” said Trump.
Trump had considered shrinking the sun as an option, but opted for orbit change so as not to help freeloader planets like Venus, which would have benefited from a smaller sun without cost. “We’ve been supporting these other clown planets for too long.” said Trump. “Venus sucks.”
Cynics, who previously had denied orbit change, now fear that Trump has crossed a red line, and that others may follow. Russia has been suspected of meddling with gravity for a number of years, causing Americans to gain weight just before doctor visits and weddings. “But this is meddling on a whole new scale.” said a critic. “The door is now wide open.”