WASHINGTON, DC. The entire nation, catching its breath for the first time since Donald Trump’s election, started a GoFundMe project to raise money to send the President back overseas for another week. “He’s been gone and it’s been so relaxing.” said a Michigan man. “I can finally pay attention to the little stuff, family, friends, homicidal maniacs in the neighborhood — it’s good to just relax.”
The President was overseas for the better part of the last two weeks. With anger levels dropping markedly, threatening ratings, the national news media scrambled to find stories to keep people on edge. FoxNews ran stories about black people killing white people, while CNN ran stories about white people being mean. The NY Times scored big, riling up both environmentalists and intellectuals by declaring that gas grilling sucks when compared to charcoal.
Vice President Mike Pence, in his first public appearance since attempting to flee the White House, used Trump’s absence to try to bring some much needed dignity back to presidential affairs by attending the Indianapolis 500. Unfortunately, a group of bystanders mistook Pence for a confederate war memorial statue, and toppled him. Arriving five minutes later, Pence’s security team found the Vice President tipped on his side but otherwise undamaged. “He was fine, apart from his hair being a bit mussed.”