BOZEMAN, MT. Paul Gianforte, Republican candidate for Congress in Montana’s special election, was charged today with fighting out of his weight class after handily defeating his liberal journalist opponent, Ben Jacobs, a featherweight. Gianforte was scheduled to fight liberal commentator Bob Beckel, a fellow heavyweight, who failed to show.
“They all look the same to me, what with their afros, gold chains and saggy pants.” tweeted Gianforte, in his defense. Blaming autocorrect, Gianforte’s spokesperson said that the candidate really tweeted that he was just reaching for a donut and didn’t see that he would have to body slam Jacobs to the ground to get to the last chocolate eclair. Autocorrect came under fire last year after an autocorrected Donald Trump tweet caused a nuclear mishap and the deaths of millions in Mexico, distracting the President for a full ten minutes.
Jacobs was a stand-in for Beckel, who was released last week from FoxNews for racial misconduct, which Fox feared would detract from their reputation for sexual misconduct. “Our brand stands for the abuse of women.” said a FoxNews spokesperson. “We don’t want to send mixed messages to our viewers.”