RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA. Donald Trump is ending his effort to enact a Muslim travel ban, according to a leaked copy of his speech to an Arab Summit. The end of the ban will be offered in exchange for Arab nations agreeing to completely annihilate one another in two years. Muslims will be able to travel freely to the U.S. from all nations, but are required to fly United Airlines. “People who fly United would rather be dead anyway, so nothing can be lost, really.” said Trump.
United Airlines has come under recent fire for discourteous passenger deplanings. Efforts to rebuild market share – among them using the Kentucky Derby winner to encourage passengers to give up their seats, and offering airline staff to help drag ISIS fighters out of their tunnels — have fallen flat. “We decided to embrace the hate.” said a airline spokesperson, announcing the new corporate slogan, “Travel Sucks. Deal With It”, an homage to a Trump voter rallying cry.
Trump’s trip to Saudi Arabia could amount to a much needed triumph in his troubled presidency. The President hit rough waters after firing FBI Director James Comey, allegedly to disrupt an investigation of Russian election meddling. His claim that he fired Comey because Comey was about to fire himself, upstaging Trump, was contradicted by 147 Trump tweets, public transcripts of official meetings, and a video Trump made and posted to YouTube. “You call that evidence?” sneered Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
U.S. State Department