JERUSALEM, ISRAEL. Donald Trump came roaring back today, displaying his genius as a master deal-maker by gaining a coveted centerpiece for his border protection project while ridding himself of a pesky agency. “They wanted fifteen of my hats as well, but I talked them down to ten.” beamed Trump.
The deal started in classic Trump fashion. He first had his minions tell Israel that the Wailing Wall wasn’t theirs. Israel protested that the wall had been part of an ancient Jewish temple nearly 2000 years old. “You should live so long.” said the Israeli Prime Minister. Trump then produced a document signed by Pharaoh deeding him the wall and seven fig trees. The document had been stored in a dusty vault that also contained Barack Obama’s birth certificate. “I usually don’t read, but I said to myself, ‘Hey, it’s only a page, and it’s all pictures.'”
With Israel reeling, Trump made his move. He first wiped out Israel’s intelligence infrastructure by sharing their most prized secrets with the Russians, the identity and location of all Israel’s mideast informants, and the recipe for an irresistible blintz. “Even if you’re not hungry, you can’t resist.” sighed a former Mossad agent.
With their intelligence gathering capacity fatally compromised, Israel was ready to deal. “The FBI, not so shabby.” said a source close the negotiations. In return for the agency, Israel gave Trump the Wailing Wall, and promised to touch it up with a quick coat of paint before shipping.
Trump plans to move the wall to the US/Mexican border, as the first step in fulfilling one of his central promises to voters. “They weren’t really using it for much anyway, just leaning on it a lot.” said Trump. The Wailing Wall will be part of a wall-retail-housing-golf project being developed by the Trump family. The project is being financed by wealthy Chinese in exchange a U.S. visa, the chance to muss Trump’s hair, and a blender.