WASHINGTON DC. In a break with tradition, an adult was appointed to a role in the federal government today, namely as Special Counsel to lead an investigation into Russian meddling into pretty much everything. “It’s uncharted territory.” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. McConnell was once mistaken for an adult while picking up food at a drive-through window. “Had to try to shutdown the government to regain my street cred.” said McConnell.
The adult, known only as “R” to protect his anonymity – John Kerry has agreed to be his photo double – went through rigorous training to be able to fit in and deal with his surroundings, spending the last six weeks undercover in a middle school in suburban Indianapolis. He was also forced to maintain a Snapchat account. “It was hell.” said R.
R’s mandate is to determine the extent of Russia’s influence on the Trump administration, the U.S. presidential election last fall, and to establish once and for all whether they are “bad dudes” said R, maintaining his middle school cover. “I thought this was all cleared up when the CIA confirmed that I wasn’t on Santa’s naughty list.” said a miffed Vladimir Putin.
Russia has officially cried foul, citing as evidence of their goodwill their willingness to house the Oval Office on their spy ships to help prevent leaks, vacating their offices in the White House to make room for Ivanka, and intentionally sending paunchy, pale, poorly shod men to be photographed next to Donald Trump. “We had options, you know.” sniffed Putin.
Historians scoffed at the notion that R is the first adult to work in nation’s capitol. “During the Van Buren administration, there were three confirmed adults on the federal payroll.” said one. Van Buren liked to keep them around to lend a sense of gravitas during otherwise festive denigrations of “ornery negroes,” the key to holding the country together during the turbulent pre-Civil War era.