janitorWASHINGTON DC.  White House handyman and janitor William Washington became President of the United States today after Donald Trump, every member of the Trump administration, all members of Congress, and the entire federal judiciary resigned today after being implicated in the Russian election-meddling scandal. “Damn.” said President Washington.

The only sound to break the eerie silence in the capital was ringing phones as congratulatory calls and messages poured in from world leaders, including one from former President Trump, who tweeted, “Let’s face it, the job sucks. Have fun, bro!”

While most of the U.S. was stunned by the news, no one was more disappointed than Russia’s President Vladimir Putin.  “We were so close.” sighed Putin, lamenting that fact that number 2375 in line was one of the Russian intelligence officers working in the White House.

Putting down his mop, President Washington said, “Well, this is a surprise, for sure.  I’m just working man, but one thing I understand is what life is like for regular, honest, everyday folk who struggle.  I know what it’s like to be bone tired after work, to make hard choices, to sacrifice.  I may not be an educated man, but I’m a good man.  I will work every day to keep you safe, to give you a fair opportunity for a better life, to keep the rich and powerful in check, and to ensure liberty and justice for all.”

The mainstream press immediately demanded that President Washington release his income tax filings, and blasted him for the slow pace of hiring in his administration and his back-pedaling on campaign promises.  “This man appears ethical, empathetic, in possession of a deep natural intelligence and a toughness bred from a hard life well led.  He’s clearly completely unqualified.” commented FoxNews.

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