WASHINGTON DC. In a wide-ranging speech today, Donald Trump gave the world an insight into the historical basis for his foreign policy and military decision-making. “Standing here in front the Polk Memorial, I am reminded of the lessons learned from our great victory somewhere out west some time ago.” said Trump, referring to the massacre of Custer’s troops at Little Big Horn.
“Take Custer, great man, tall man, thin.” continued Trump, “A great friend of mine.” Trump recounted that he has learned most from Custer’s leadership style. “I quote:” said Trump, “‘History tells us that Custer was altogether reckless in warfare, cruel and uncaring about the men under his command, politically ambitious but politically naïve. Custer was so wrapped up in himself that he would use anybody in any way to further his own ambitions.’ Need I say more!”
“Trump is drawing totally the wrong lesson from Little Big Horn.” said a noted historian. “The main learning is that cavalry should apply a generous amount of Vaseline or similar lubricant to the inner thighs before charging on horseback uphill into the teeth of a well-armed and passionate opponent.” Chafing of the thighs is widely believed by scholars to have led to the historic massacre, though a growing number blame a late night at the local Indian Casino as the true cause. “Custer couldn’t pull himself away from the slots.” said a dissenter.