GREENWICH, CT. Doctors here and around the country are reporting an alarming rise in distress among the super-rich, and blame the Trump tax cut on the pandemic. The tax cut will dump hundreds of billions dollar on the 5,000 richest families in the country who are hard-pressed to spend what they already have. “I just bought Lithuania,” said a hedge fund manager, “and now I have to furnish it. When will it end?”
The super-rich used to be able to count on dying to relieve the day-to-day pressure they face. But now even death offers no relief: The Trump proposal eliminates the inheritance tax for all except for the super-duper rich. “Lucky bastards.” said the fund manager.
To relieve the stress, the rich are taking desperate measures. “I hired a team of three people to take opiods for me.” said an anonymous source. Outsourcing to local addicts has been a job creation engine, supporting the administration’s promise that the tax cut will spur enough economic growth to offset the cost. “The average opiod addict will live three, maybe four years, creating turnover that will fuel our economic future.” said Gary Cohn, Trump’s chief economic advisor.
Meanwhile, the super-rich are prepared to live with the pain. “The working class depend on us to lead lives the lend themselves to vicarious fantasy.” said the hedge fund manager. There are reports of deals between the super-rich and the gaming industry to create virtual reality games that allow the working man to experience the day-to-day stress of lifestyles that would be the envy of royalty throughout the ages. “Brings new meaning to the word joystick.” said a game industry executive.