BERKELEY, CA. In response to their controversial treatment of conservative guest speakers, the University of California, Berkeley, today announced a new policy banning all speech on or near campus. Students and faculty will instead rely on facial gestures and symbolic dance to communicate. “We considered allowing shadow puppetry, but balked since it has been endorsed by the White House as their preferred method of communication.” said a university spokesperson.
The university experienced riot conditions several months ago when infamous hate-mime and right-wing editor, Milos Yiannopoulos, was attacked during protests over his visit to the campus. Yiannopoulos burst to fame when he incited other mimes to harass Ghost Busters star Leslie Jones by endlessly performing the “trapped in a glass box” illusion in front of her apartment.
The new policy is in reaction to lawsuits on both sides of the political fence. “No speech is free speech,” explained the spokesperson, who deferred to the philosophy department for further explanation. While facial gestures are widely accepted as gender-racial-culture-sexual orientation neutral, symbolic dance remains an untested choice. The university is already addressing complaints that self-crotch-grabbing dance moves are offensive and could potentially have adverse health effects long term. A federally-funded study involving indigenous tribes and crotch-grabbing presidents is underway.