CHICAGO, IL. Aviation officials responsible for the violent deplaning of a United Airlines passenger earlier this month said that the passenger refused to lie in the aisle for a routine dragging, choosing instead to threaten officials with his pillow. When he was tricked into trading the pillow for a blanket and the right to the middle armrest, he began to open a peanut snack pack with malicious intent. “Those peanuts could have put someone’s eye out.” said an officer.
“Passengers on United are regularly dragged through the aisle without harm.” said an airline spokesperson. “We take care to butter the aisle first. Passengers tell us they get a kick out of the experience.” Officials, distracted by the imminent threat, were unable to complete the aisle buttering, allegedly causing the passenger to suffer a concussion, a broken nose, and the loss of two teeth.
“We believe the teeth were loosened pre demouthing when the passenger attempted to open the peanut pack by clenching it in his teeth and swinging his head violently.” said the spokesperson. A recent $5MM federal study supports that conclusion. The report, An Analysis on Equitable Snack Access in Economy Class, proved that passengers, once wedged in their seats, quickly lose feeling in, then use of their arms. “The only way he could open the pack was by thwacking his snack tray with his knees, grabbing the pack with his teeth from the air, and thrashing his head violently.” said the spokesperson. Further investigations on whether these actions caused the concussions and broken nose are ongoing.
South China Morning Post