WASHINGTON DC. The Congressional Budget Office issued a report today that refutes Donald Trump’s claim that he reached his goal to enrich his family by one billion dollars in 100 days. “The CBO report concludes that the Trump family has been enriched by $720.45 million.” said a spokesperson for the nonpartisan CBO. Commenting for the administration, Press Secretary Sean Spicer sniffed, “For one thing, the report completely ignores the $300 million the family avoided paying in taxes.”
“Another broken promise.” opined The New York Times. The Times investigative unit published accounts detailing the desperate lengths taken to reach the goal. “At the rally, I was forced to buy five hats.” said one anonymous attendee. Employees at Trump’s Washington hotel report that thousands of miniature bottles of shampoo had gone missing from guests rooms, only to turn up mysteriously on eBay. “Thank goodness I’m bald.” said one foreign dignitary.
As a footnote to the report, the CBO stated that Vice President Mike Pence lost $1.98 during the same period. “Pence was slightly in the black up until his North Korea visit.” said an insider. During a tense moment at the DMZ, Pence dropped a pocketful of change while trying to feed giant sightseeing binoculars set up for tourists. The report is a further black eye for the Vice President, who complained bitterly early on that he wasn’t allowed to have an unlimited calling plan for his cell phone. “Mike’s a good man.” said Trump, “He just needs to buckle down some.”
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