WASHINGTON DC. Explaining his slow start on signature initiatives, Donald Trump said that running the government has been impossible since former President Barak Obama hid the operating instructions and the keys before leaving office. “Paul Ryan thought he had an extra set, but it turned out they were for the snack bar at the Lincoln Memorial.” said Trump advisor KellyAnne Conway. Obama denies hiding the keys, saying he left them in the drawer under the phone in the kitchen, along with an extra set to the VP mansion in case Mike Pence ever got locked out.
Despite having a solid majority in both houses of Congress, Trump’s legislative agenda remains grounded, progress on his wall is stalled, and the government is about to be shut down. During a chance encounter at Hooters, Henry Kissinger offered to lend Trump his copy of instructions on how to operate the government. Trump said he had read them already but if Kissinger had the dice and the thimble game piece on him, he would appreciate borrowing them.
Meanwhile, the Trump team has been frantically searching for the keys. Frederick Douglass – long thought dead until his surprise dinner at the White House – suggested that Trump search his desk, or perhaps behind his underwear drawer. “The government’s been promising keyless entry since the Clinton era.” sniffed a commentator. “First they lose an aircraft carrier, and now we find out the keys have gone missing. Get a grip, please.”