ATLANTA, GEORGIA. Hopes for a Democrat resurgence were dashed when the lone candidate for a vacant congressional seat lost in a run-off with himself. Jon Ossoff was running essentially uncontested but mistakenly filed twice for the election. He tied himself in the first election, and lost to himself in the runoff, neutralizing his candidacy. The Republican Party, which had nominated a Tea Party-trained parrot in mock protest, was awarded the seat. “I wish it knew how to say yes.” said House Speaker Paul Ryan.
Democrats have been struggling to develop a coherent identity after their stunning loss last fall. As reported earlier, leaders at a recent weekend brainstorming session couldn’t find their mission statement, so instead substituted Burger King’s. The meeting did come up with a new slogan: “Reduce America’s Weight Again”, an homage to former First Lady Michelle Obama’s tireless fitness campaign. While pundits noted the irony of a health-oriented slogan paired with Burger King’s mission statement, DNC leader Tom Perez cheered, “We’re the slim tent party!”
Republicans too have been struggling with their identity in the wake of Trump’s surprise victory. “Fortunately, he has decided that passing controversial legislation is hard, while foreign policy and building his personal fortune are fun and leave time for golf.” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We’re off the hook.” Trump had announced that he was taking up a new hobby, governance, last month, but when Amazon failed to deliver Presidency for Dummies, the hobby was quietly dropped.