WASHINGTON DC. Uber is introducing a special version of its app to help Presidents direct naval vessels to their proper destinations. Recently, an aircraft carrier sent to the Sea of Japan to threaten North Korea instead sailed off toward Australia. The new app, installed on Donald Trump’s phone by trusted allies in Russian intelligence, allows the President to set a destination and call for a ship. Captains then compete for the assignment, and whoever is closest can grab the call.
The new system replaces technology installed in the 1920’s. Using wooden sticks, Presidents push models of naval vessels around on a large table. Except for a minor gaffe early on – one of Herbert Hoover’s grandchildren caused the entire Seventh Fleet to run aground in Patagonia – the system worked flawlessly until last week. “It would have helped if an administration member (who shall remain nameless) actually knew where North Korea is.” sniffed an advocate of the existing system.
“Our new app allows the President to set a destination, choose a ship class, and then see an estimate of how long it will take to arrive.” beamed an Uber spokesperson. Uber has come under fire recently after a series of exposes revealed that the company has created a clubby, bad-boy corporate environment, tricks their working-class drivers, mistreats female staff, and is led by a reckless, inexperienced executive. “We’re going to fit right in!” said the spokesperson.