DMZ, SOUTH KOREA. After several failed attempts to escape the Trump White House and preserve some measure of his reputation, Vice-President Mike Pence took a desperate step today, affixing a target to his jacket while visiting the heavily armed border with North Korea. “He told us that he wanted to promote U.S. retail expansion in Asia.” said a Secret Service agent. Pence tried to make himself an even easier target by standing on a stepladder to reach sightseeing binoculars, but didn’t have any quarters to feed the device. “He only had a couple of dimes, and that gave us time to pull him back.”
Pence has made repeated attempts to distance himself from the White House. He had to be dragged onto Air Force One after a recent trip to Mar-A-Lago, and was caught trying to scale the White House fence in a failed escape attempt. Pence became embittered after his calls to Russian intelligence officers were ignored by U.S. intelligence. He began to act out, and wore the same leather jacket — from the Ivanka Tough Hombre line — to the DMZ that he used to cruise and pick up chicks.
Tensions between North Korea and the U.S. have risen markedly over the last several months. President Donald Trump is trying unconventional methods to bring the rogue dictatorship back into the community of nations. After Trump’s attempt to adopt the orphaned leader of North Korea floundered, he offered Chinese leader Xi Jinping ownership of the trademark for General Tso’s Chicken in exchange for depriving North Korea of energy resources. The situation remains dangerous as security experts fear that North Korea will soon weaponize the giant pinata they displayed at a military parade this weekend.