NEW YORK, NY. President Trump’s shifting positions on a wide range of policies – from Syrian intervention to punishing China to whether to carry an extra wedge or a 7 wood – have left many working-class voters feeling betrayed. His support remains strong, however, among two key constituencies, Fox News anchors and masochists. “Donald Trump is living up to his promise not to be tied to his promises,” said Sean Hannity, “something we all can rely on.”
The second pillar of Trump’s support, masochists, remain firmly in his corner. “So long as it makes liberals mad, who cares if I die?” said one masochist. From farmers supporting the end of migrant labor practices that they depend on to stay in business, to struggling middle class breadwinners cheering on tax cuts for billionaires, ethical misconduct, and personal enrichment of Trump family members, masochists are in their element. “Clinton may have felt my pain, but Trump causes it,” cooed a masochist.
Democrats, meanwhile, are struggling to get traction among disaffected Trump supporters. “Frankly,” said one Democratic leader, “we can’t remember what we stand for.” While many Democrats spent the weekend searching for their core values, a leadership group downloaded a copy of Burger King’s mission statement as a substitute. “Democrats offer reasonably priced quality food, served quickly, in attractive, clean surroundings.” said Chuck Schumer, noting that the statement needs work, but that it has good bones.