Leaked documents reveal today that the U.S. government has secretly teamed with United Airlines to de-tunnel ISIS forces hiding underground in Afghanistan. “We were blown away by their work getting passengers off their planes.” said an anonymous source. To distract ISIS fighters, the government first dropped a MOAB — Mother Of All Bombs — whose payload had been switched from explosives to instead include hundreds of X-Box gaming consoles. “They hardly put up any resistance once we promised they could stay up late to keep playing.” said a United spokesperson.
The U.S. has tried for years to attack the fortified tunnels, including a massive bombing attack on Tora Bora after 9.11. When that attack failed, the U.S. tried several other strategies, the most promising of which was dubbed Wack-A-Mole. In that attack, the U.S. piped the song Muskrat Love at high volume into the tunnels hoping to drive ISIS forces to the surface where they would be crushed by giant plastic hammers. The plan floundered when contractors mistakenly played Do The Hustle. Instead of fleeing, ISIS fighters formed a gigantic line dance, and only an unlucky few at each end of the line were crushed.
United Airlines agreed to participate after doubling down on their economy class passenger abuse strategy, dubbed Economy Minus. The strategy is designed to entertain premium class passengers who are able to watch passenger mistreatment on streaming video.