WASHINGTON DC. The White House today celebrated a new poll showing that voters are overwhelmingly confident that Donald Trump is male, with a majority agreeing with the statement, “Donald Trump is alive.” Commenting on the fact that the same poll show that the majority of Americans believe that the president is not honest, does not have good leadership skills, does not care about average Americans, is not level-headed, and does not share their values, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said, “What do you expect, he’s a guy.”
Trump made immediate moves to reinforce his positives by publicly supporting beleaguered Fox News star Bill O’Reilly, a savvy media play designed to capitalize on it being Sexual Assault Awareness Month. O’Reilly and Fox recently settled a number of sexual harassment suits brought against O’Reilly. The two also announced a joint “How-to” manual on the topic. “What a lovable dork,” cooed Kellyanne Conway.
“Donald Trump is definitely a male and he is definitely alive.” commented FBI Director James Comey during congressional hearings on accusations that Mike Pence is actually a listening device planted in the White House by Democrats. Comey refused to comment on Pence’s status, only noting that he rarely moves his lips when he speaks and that he is somehow connected to a disfigured love doll found near White House grounds.