WASHINGTON DC. President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump announced today that they have adopted North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, ending a crisis that has vexed Presidents for over fifty years. “We were hoping for a girl,” said the proud parents, “but we needed a win.” Trump Jong Un — or as he has been dubbed, The Kimster — will assume a role in the family business, taking over the Department of Housing and Urban Development from Ben Carson, who is being reassigned to explain the show Blackish each week to Mike Pence.
North Korea stands alone as one of the world’s most brutal and controlling dictatorships. Cut off from world trade, with all information flowing from the State, and virtually no illegal immigration, North Korea “has a lot of potential, but could use a little work.” continued Trump. To prove his point, along with the adoption, the Trump family announced plans for a chain of luxury golf resorts, humorously dubbed Kim-Bar-Go in honor of now void trade restrictions, to brighten the lives of starving peasants there. “Anyone can join!” kvelled KellyAnne Conway.
The adoption has plenty of historical precedent. Up until the rise of pesky democracies in the West, rulers regularly arranged marriages and other family swaps to solidify alliances and expand empires. “Queen Victoria gained control of the entire Indian subcontinent by marrying her third cousin to the daughters of 117 Sultans on the same day.” marveled an historian. “No one suspected a thing until someone checked the bridal registry at Macys, but by then, it was too late.”