WASHINGTON DC. Ivanka Trump and husband Jared Kushner promised today to align the interests of the United States with their own, ending concerns over conflicts of interest and the ethics of maintaining their businesses while holding top-level jobs at the Trump White House. To kick-off the new era, the couple is selling two-fer tickets to the upcoming Russian-election-meddling hearings and a weekend stay at their latest timeshare development.
“Who doesn’t love looking great, smelling divine, hanging out at luxury hotels, and going to fabulous parties?” cooed KellyAnne Conway. Conway said that these four freedoms are now the cornerstone of U.S. policy. “Every American should have a chance to be like us,” said Ivanka, “to own trademarks to their name in China, to profit from foreign diplomats currying favor with their father, and to have the President bully retailers who won’t carry their brand.”
Democrats were caught flat-footed by the power couple’s new stance. The entire party leadership is experiencing severe cramping from over-gloating, resulting in a form of face-lock that has medical experts baffled. “First we had the sudden increase in wrist injuries caused by excessive hand-wringing, and now this,” said an expert. Ethics experts were also caught off-guard. “We’re sure there’s something wrong with this; we just don’t know what,” sighed an ethicist.