WASHINGTON DC. House Intelligence Chair Devin Nunes said today that the inferno that engulfed a section of I-85 in Atlanta forced him on a walk that led to the White House and to his coming into contact with secret documents detailing Obama administration wrong-doing. “I was about to drive to a local Chinese take-out joint, but after seeing those flames, I decided to walk.” As a security precaution, Nunes regularly takes circuitous routes to get Chinese food, pick up dry cleaning, and to have his ego waxed.
Nunes further explained that getting access to the secret documents on his visit was inadvertent. “Word of an intruder on White House grounds had everyone in an uproar.” said Nunes, “I tried to shield the President from harm by holding up what turned out to be secret documents showing Obama malfeasance.” The intruder was later identified as Mike Pence, who was actually trying to escape from the White House, and the President avoided harm.
The secret documents were released today for public scrutiny. Administration officials claim that the most telling picture shows Obama wearing a secret listening device when meeting with Trump. Obama representatives scoff at the photo, saying that the meeting was in public and recorded by hundreds of journalists. “Once again, this evidence proves nothing,” said an Obama lawyer.
This is Nunes’s second attempt to explain his unorthodox visit. His first, that he was only trying to reach 15,000 steps, has been undermined by the discovery that his FitBit batteries have been dead for several weeks. “That explains a lot,” chuckled Nunes.