PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA. Tired of relentless bullying, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un produced his actual skeleton today, proving that he is in fact big-boned, not porcine. “Kim Jong Un is incredibly lean.” said a North Korean physician, “Most of his mass is comprised of his heart, his brain, and his nerve.” Cryptologists, sensing a secret message hidden in these attributes, report that the physician was unavailable for further comment as he had inadvertently walked into antiaircraft gunfire.
Health and fitness guru House Intelligence Chair Devin Nunes sympathized with the North Korean leader. “Just the other day, I was ethics-shamed for entering the White House while trying to get in my 15,000 steps.” Nunes had found himself a few steps shy of the new goal, and burned off further calories by entering the White House and then lifting and reading top-secret documents.
While Kim Jong Un has been demonized by the west for his brutal domination of his people, bloody purges, and thirst for nuclear weapons, accounts from defectors paint the leader as a jovial prankster. In this candid shot, Kim and his generals react to his most recent prank, substituting Hillary Clinton’s excuses for losing to Donald Trump for launch commands for the newest ICBM in their arsenal. Much laughter ensued, followed by a missile launch that could threaten the U.S. In response to this threat, the Trump Administration has begun work on a vertical wall, 2000 miles high, to block incoming missiles.