WASHINGTON DC. Under fire for visiting the White House to share classified information, House Intelligence Chair Devin Nunes explained today that he was trying to reach the new official goal of 15,000 steps a day, and was 187 short. “It’s about two miles to the White House,” said Nunes, “and when I got there I still had a few steps to go.” Nunes had tried to increase his step count by carrying secret files, and thought that climbing the steps to the White House, walking with a friend, and sharing the files would make the difference, but it wasn’t enough. “I was still 7 steps shy.”
Republican members of the Intelligence Committee lauded Nunes on his get-fit approach to national security. “I’ve been listening to NSA tapes for ages while on my exercise bike,” said a ranking member, “Beats a podcast any day!” Even Democrats felt some sympathy, “To come so close after trying so hard,” said Hillary Clinton, “I feel your pain.” Clinton is now fending off a trademark infringement lawsuit from her husband and gadfly, Bill Clinton, who, ironically, was partially to blame for her loss last fall.
Nunes denies that leaking secret evidence hidden from the committee investigating the president and his team the day after sensational testimony undercut the president’s accusation that he had been wiretapped by Barrack Obama has had any impact on the public trust of the committee or his ability to keep a few pounds off. “The real issue is leaks,” Nunes said without apparent irony, “and the burn.”