BEIJING, CHINA. Donald Trump’s childhood home in Queens, NY was sold today to Chinese buyers for twice the value of similar homes in the area. “We plan to open a museum,” said a spokesperson for the buyers, “and to market a specialty soup using dust certified to contain small bits of Trump himself.” Lawyers for Trump contend that same group has been buying up slightly soiled Make America Great Again hats for the same purpose, and plan a lawsuit. “We have pictures shared with us by Devin Nunes that clearly show hats being boiled,” commented a lawyer.
Soup aside, the buyers are most excited about the prospects for the museum, which plans to celebrate watershed moments in Trump’s life. “Every President is remembered by the myths of his formative years,” said the Chinese, “like Washington and the apple tree.” A brochure produced by the organization highlights several of these moments captured in wax, including Trump shafting contractors and pocketing millions off Trump University. “We’re planning a special interactive groping exhibit!” said the buyers.
The Trump Administration had no comment on the matter. “We’re focusing on the big stuff,” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Spicer noted that the U.S. is the middle of a joint practice exercise with the Russians, learning how to better crush protests. “No one does like the Vlad!,” gleamed Spicer, referring to mass arrests in Russia following widespread protests against government corruption.