WASHINGTON DC. To address critics of his time on the golf course, President Trump is taking on a couple of new hobbies, crock-pot cooking and governance. “I was checking out Pinterest,” said Trump, “and governance looks like it might be a fun way to kill some time.” Trump debunked the reports of crock-pot cooking, but WikiLeaks released a screenshot of an Amazon shopping cart in his name with enough ingredients for Mississippi Pot Roast to host a state dinner. “He ordered fifty packets of powdered Ranch Dressing.” said a anonymous source, “Draw your own conclusions.”
Trump is following a long established historic precedent according to a noted presidential scholar. Ulysses S. Grant spent weeks at a special camp building his skills at striking presidential poses, and Richard Nixon learned ventriloquism, much to the delight of foreign leaders. “At a meeting with Mao, Nixon made it seem like Kissinger was ordering Viagra and an inflatable love doll when he was really calling in a secret airstrike on Cambodia. Laughter all around!” chuckled the scholar.
Leaks have plagued the Trump administration. Trump recently ordered his staff to speak without moving their lips, an unintentional homage to Nixon it seems. Trump recently lauded Mike Pence’s innate ability to throw his voice, noting that the staff often can’t tell if it is him speaking or a nearby shrub.