WASHINGTON DC. Embarrassed by Donald Trump’s failure to gain passage of TrumpCare legislation, and apparently distraught at throwing away a his career to join the imploding Administration, Mike Pence was apprehended this evening trying to escape the White House by scaling the perimeter fence. “It took a few minutes to realize that the perp was on the inside trying to get out.” said a befuddled Secret Service agent. “The Russians advised us to make the arrest anyway.”
Pence’s is the third high profile attempt this month to breach security around the White House, and the first escape effort. An earlier attempt shocked the public when an intruder breached security, entered the White House by pretending to make a delivery of General Tso’s Chicken, and crashed an IvankaWare sales party in the Oval Office. “IvankaWare is tough yet elegant.” shilled KellyAnne Conway. “It’s the perfect gift for all occasions.”
The escape attempt came after Donald Trump claimed Democrats voted illegally to overcome his Republican majority and defeat TrumpCare. “I saw film of Democrats raising both hands to vote during the ballot.” tweeted Trump. Experts say that Pence was already showing signs of cracking. He had complained bitterly about not being wiretapped during his discussions with Russian intelligence, and then failed to earn a bad-boy rep by donning leather and picking up chicks.
Press Secretary Sean Spicer said Pence’s defection is further sign of the damage intelligence leaks are causing the Presidency. “The President can’t trust anyone anymore.” said Spicer. “He therefore has decided to not share his plan to defeat ISIS with himself.” Trump’s supporters seem greatly relieved at the new plan for secrecy, an improvement on his requirement that the staff use shadow puppetry for internal messaging.