WASHINGTON DC. House Republicans voted today to make a day 240 hours, rather than the standard 24, to buy time to pass their replacement of Obamacare. To implement, the earth’s crust will be expanded outward, slowing the earth’s spin. “This is a big win.” said House Majority Leader Paul Ryan. “We’ll be able to reach agreement on the bill and we are creating huge opportunities for more tanning.” Republicans have long argued that if people were more tan, they would look and feel better, a surefire way to reduce healthcare costs.
Democrats cried foul. “By making the earth larger, gravity will increase, causing everyone to gain weight,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “People will not be happy.” Republicans were quick to counter that the longer day will increase time for recreational activities, like golf, polo and yachting, and open up opportunities for new beachfront properties along expanded shorelines.
In a twist of fate, the Trump organization owns all the rights to property currently 147 feet above the surface of the earth, coincidentally the exact amount the crust will be raised. “I predicted many years ago that the earth would get bigger,” said Donald Trump, “and like usual, I was right.”