MOSCOW, RUSSIA. Russian officials cried foul today when asked to move from their White House office to make room for Ivanka Trump. “We just decorated,” said a Russian intelligence officer, “and now we’re being asked to double up with Mike Pence.” The Russian protest includes a request for reimbursement on the purchase of a couch and thirty yards of chintz, along with a twenty second allowance for a longer walk to the Oval Office.
“This is absurd,” said Senior Advisor KellyAnne Conway, “Mike Pence has a perfectly good couch they can use. I should know.” Tensions have been running high between the Trump team and the Russians ever since the Oval Office was moved to a Russian spy ship. The Trump team has complained that their direct line to Vladimir Putin has been bugged, pointing to a recently leaked story involving an order for General Tso’s Chicken that derailed sensitive negotiations with the Chinese.
Meanwhile, Democrats continue their search for evidence of collusion between the Russians and the Trump campaign. “Moving the Russian office is a setback,” said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer, “as it undercuts our theory of favoritism, but we will continue to look for the smoking gun.” Democrats were buoyed by testimony by the directors of the FBI and NSA that cleared Trump of any rightdoing, but Republicans continue to dodge the issue, employing a rare parliamentary maneuver involving a small stuffed owl. “Dastardly.” said Schumer.