WASHINGTON DC. FBI Director James Comey and NSA Director Michael Rogers cleared President Donald Trump and the Trump campaign of all rightdoing today in regards to charges of election-related collusion with the Russians and charges leveled by Trump that he had been wiretapped by former President Barrack Obama. “The President has done absolutely nothing right,” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “and sales of Ivanka’s Bad Boy line are soaring!”
Fox News, the official outlet for unfiltered news from the White House, reports that Ivanka’s sales dipped briefly during heated testimony causing some concern among White House staff, but regained momentum quickly. “Sales are monitored second-by-second by a special White House task force and began to fall off during Democratic questioning,” said Fox News, “But thanks to a quick intervention by Homeland Security, got right back on track.”
Democrats decried the biased coverage by Fox News. “Last week, Barrack and Michelle launched ObamaWear,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “and not a peep out of Fox despite the clever wordplay on ObamaCare.” Meanwhile, the White House remains thankful that “all the hoo-ha over the Russian thing” has distracted attention from the gutting of healthcare and social services for Trump’s voters, who remain gleeful at the coming pain.