WASHINGTON DC. In an effort to ensure that unfiltered news reaches the public, the Trump Administration formally granted Fox News and the Victoria’s Secret catalog exclusive rights to all White House news. “To put it bluntly, Fox News is our bitch,” smirked Sean Spicer during the Administration’s final press conference, “and Victoria’s Secret has more readers than all newspapers combined.” A copy of the catalog was unavailable for review at the press conference as Mike Pence was studying it for security purposes.
The Trump Administration has been frustrated by what they label “fake news”, as opposed to “fake opinions that turn into news when redistributed by the White House,” a technique Fox News has patented and jealously protects. “We’ve tried everything,” said CNN, “But the White House disregards the stuff we make up, except to make fun of it.”
To protest, all major newspapers have agreed to stop covering Donald Trump for one week. “Our estimates are that without this coverage, we will only have to produce a singe page for the week,” said a representative for the Washington Post, “less if no one famous dies.”