BOSTON, MA. Scientists here report that a high pitch, endless whine traced back to Democrats is endangering a squirrel with big ears, causing bickering between the Environmental and Doomsayer wings of the party. “The squirrel has become listless and sad,” said a concerned scientist, “We’ve removed all sharp objects and small belts from his habitat.”
The Doomsayer wing of the Democratic Party is determined to keep whining. Since Democrats were sued for patent infringement by the Tea Party over the use of voter anger, whining is seen as the next best thing. “We own whining,” said recently elected Democratic Party head Tom Perez, “Back off Jack.”
Judged by the volume, duration, and intensity of whining, it would seem that most Democrats are backing the Doomsayers. Still, the small but powerful environment wing of the party is attempting to hold the moral and cuteness high ground, and have created a GoFundMe project to buy tiny earplugs for the squirrel to gain publicity.
“It’s just one squirrel,” argued Tom Perez, “A cute squirrel, but still.” Perez admits to being trapped by history and Americans’ love of animals with large ears.
While the Democrats teeter toward the abyss over a squirrel, the EPA has announced that they are considering importing radioactive soil from the around the damaged Fukushima nuclear reactor in Japan to lay along the Mexican/US border until the Wall is constructed. The White House is reportedly furious that the EPA is not considering radioactive soil from domestic sources. “Considering a tariff,” tweeted Trump.