WASHINGTON DC. Vexed at unstoppable leaks and embarrassed by staff misstatements, Donald Trump today ordered his staff to speak without using their lips, and further, their brains. “Mike Pence never moves his lips when he speaks,” said Trump, “making it impossible for him to be lip-read, or to tell whether he said something or if it was really a nearby shrub.”
With the threat of lip-reading staunched, Trump is focused on ensuring his staff stop using their brains when speaking, reducing the risk of mind-reading, but also limiting opportunities for telepathy, a key strategy last employed by Kissinger during his negotiations with Chairman Mao in the ’70s. Kissinger was said to have willed Mao to return an order of Kung Pao Chicken at an important dinner, leading to significant diplomatic breakthroughs.
Beyond leaks, the Administration sees further benefit to the new mindless policy. Trump points to Ben Carson as a case study of the positive impact of not thinking while speaking. Carson’s recent assertion that slaves were immigrants has opened the door for the administration to classify slaves as illegal immigrants. “Who knows where this will lead!” cheered Jeff Sessions.