NEW YORK, NY.  The news media struck back today against charges ranging from bias to acting as enemies of the people, bringing their most potent weapon to bear: Bald, old, serious white men.  “We’re going with the big guns, ” commented a spokesperson for CNN, “Anderson Cooper has the grey hair, but, well, he’s young, and he has hair. Enough said.”

The news media has been shocked by how their current breed of hip, connected reporters have been run over by Donald Trump and his entourage.  “It’s hard to imagine any of this going down if bald, old, serious white men had been brought in sooner,” said the author of The Power Frown: Make ‘Em Squirm, “When the White House starts to dance, bald, old, serious white men know that rather than trying to pin them down, just go silent, and frown.”

“The horror, the horror,” lamented Press Secretary Sean Spicer.  To retaliate, Spicer has been equipped with disarming pictures of Trump grandchildren, recently purchased from Mexico at a premium, and even bigger lies. “The media just can’t handle the lies, but Sean can,” said Steve Bannon, ubermeister of Trump media relations, “Especially when those lies are what our supporters believe, regardless of facts.”  Bannon says he learned everything from the TV show Family Feud, “It’s not what’s true, it’s what people believe is true that gets the high fives.”