WASHINGTON DC. Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from overseeing investigations of Russian influence on the November election, blaming faulty headgear for misunderstanding a question about his contact with the Russians. “The headset in my hat – from the Ivanka Nostalgia Collection – which connects me to Russian coaches on the sidelines, malfunctioned,” said Sessions, “So I had to wing it.”
Donald Trump, outraged that Democrats would be so ungenerous after his widely-lauded speech to Congress, denounced the attacks on Sessions as a modern day lynching. “Ironic, huh?” tweeted Trump from the secure confines of a Russian spy ship that now houses the Oval Office. The Oval Office was moved to the spy ship to curtail the flow of leaks from the White House that have dogged the new administration.
“It’s true, we lost our ability to communicate to Sessions during the hearing,” commented a Kremlin spokesperson. The FBI is looking into suggestions that Democrats tampered with the headset, and is seeking a refund on the hat. “Amazon is great about this sort of stuff,” said an FBI agent close to the case.
The showy hat is selling briskly online, and is poised to displace Ivanka’s Eau D’Fear perfume as a best seller. KellyAnne Conway, commenting while on assignment in space to uncover illegal voting on a newly discovered planetary system, noted that people can buy the hat as a two-fer with her new pants line, Alternative Slacks.
While no illegal voters of been found yet in the Tristan-1 system, Conway reports the discovery of seventeen grandmothers who got lost while on a bus trip to an Indian Casino. “We were wondering why the kids stopped calling,” said one grandmother.