WASHINGTON DC. In his first congressional address, Donald Trump gave a sober, compassionate, and sometimes stirring address, costing hundreds of comedy writers and satirists their jobs, and causing an entire cable network, CNN, to shut down. “He was the golden ticket,” sobbed a comic, “Please, just one more tweet!”
The speech, during which a disciplined Trump avoided calling the free press the enemy of the people, Mexicans rapists, and Russia a true friend, also caused the spontaneous combustion of thousands of liberals in Massachusetts, who had gathered to protest. “One went up, and then they all just sorta went,” said a passerby, “must have been the natural fibers that those types wear.”
The economic damage caused by Trump’s metamorphosis has spread quickly. Makers of protest signs and angry-slogan t-shirts reported sharp drop-offs in orders, and Tea Party activists fretted over the fate of their “Voter Anger” patent violation suit against liberals. “No anger, no dough,” sighed a lawyer.
Meanwhile, Trump supporters reveled at the speech, celebrating the loss of their healthcare coverage, clean air and water, and massive tax cuts for the wealthy. “So long as illegal immigrants are taken care of, who cares,”exulted a supporter, “Those freeloaders will never get to benefit from life under this Administration.”