WASHINGTON DC.Facing unprecedented budget cuts, the EPA announced today that Kimberly-Clark bought the rights to rename the agency The Cottonelle Flushable Wipes Agency for Environmental Protection. “We figured it couldn’t be worse than Guaranteed Rate Field,” said EPA chief Scott Pruitt, “and dismantling years of safeguards demands cash.”

Facing unprecedented budget cuts, the EPA announced today that Kimberly-Clark bought the rights to rename the agency “The Cottonelle Flushable Wipes Agency for Environmental Protection”.

Pruitt and other cabinet members are addressing Donald Trump’s order to slash $54BB in spending.  The State Department announced austerity measures that include assigning a single ambassador to all countries whose name start with the same later.  “S, why did I get S?” lamented a department veteran. Apparently a secondary market for letters has emerged on eBay, opening up new revenue options for suddenly entrepreneurial bureaucracies.

The EPA’s new mission, to stop caring so damn much and get with the program, requires the agency to cut back on nuisances like clean air and water.  To execute, says Pruitt, the agency needs funding to remove the noble cause centers of EPA staff-member brains. “Every 10th procedure is free,” bragged Pruitt, ever mindful of his shrinking budget.